1st draft: 16 June 2006
published in Zygote in My Coffee and In Between Hangovers
I’m tired of smoking cigarettes
They add weight to my lungs
There’s no such thing as a light cigarette
I just came back from a writing bender
I often sleep fully clothed in my own home
& my apartment’s a mess
& I’ve been eating too much I figure
& I accept less than the best at that
& I keep thinking about the world’s most beautiful woman
So my sleep is short & restless
& I’m calling myself a pussy all the time now
& I’m delirious maybe, ran out of coffee grains
I wish life was easy
I wish Georgia wasn’t a graveyard
I want to write a letter to god but I forgot his address
I want a suture for my mind but I’d probably not be inspired then
& I keep thinking about the world’s most beautiful woman
She gave me a book of poems
That are better than this
& I’ve lost internal formality
& I read silly things for the sake of short-term happiness
& I’m thinking the days aren’t so magical anymore
Because I wasted Monday sleeping & doing laundry
I just came back from a weekend writing bender
& I hunch my damn back all the time
Which is stupid
I think people might be giving up on me
I just want to get back to working
What I’ll plan now to do is read a book of poetry until I sleep
My eyes are ready to bleed & my head will feel detached when I really quit cigarettes later on
But I’ll just read until day breaks night in half again
& then I’ll go fail or pass a drug test
& who knows what will happen after that
& I want to write a letter to god because someone once told me or I once wrote or I once told myself or now I have written that he is the dealer of cards & I think I might want a new hand though I figure I haven’t played this one so badly
But I ran out of coffee grains & that kind of makes me angry
Disconnected and discombobulated
I poured coffee in cereal
I want it all at once
Everything
I want to be famous right now
Minus the fame
I don’t even care about acclaim as much as I do not being poor
Every day’s a good day
I’m just being a pussy
& calling myself so all the time now.