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1st draft: 12 January 2008
unpublished
Entry 79–Jauary 12th, 2008–7:20AM
The Army. I am now a soldier in the United States Army. Private Madore, E1, a professional soldier paid $1,300 a month to risk my life for causes to which my support or opposition is wholly not relevant. I must accept that George W. Bush is my commander-in-chief and that fucking Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama may well be his successor as the mood of the civilian population dictates. As always, this is the life I chose.
Getting to this point wasn’t easy. I had to waste every red cent, go to jail, and all that stuff that happened before I thought of the military. I had to be rejected for the crime of honesty by the U. S. Navy and Air Force. The Army is more interested in keeping people interested and getting them enlisted than the others. I had to pass the Armed Services Vocational Assessment Battery. I scored an 85 out of 100 and my “GT” is high enough that later I could become a Second Lieutenant with ease.
ASVAB was the first part of getting in. I took it at Portland Military Entrance Processing Center on Thursday. Hotel overnight, having a decent free meal and watching the Republican debates on Fox. Of all the candidates currently running, I would mostly easily accept Mitt Romney, who was my governor in high school, or John McCain, who I believe can most efficiently handle the war and the country’s defense. Maybe I’m just in the dark ages right now, and I can’t much imagine a ruler other than a republican in office, but this is how I was feeling last night.
Next morning we got a wake-up call at 0445. My roommate showered, I showered, then it was off to a buffet breakfast. I ate too much bacon. You’ll know why. From there it was three quick cigarettes and onto the bus. Downstairs of MEPS we had to empty our bags so the lady could search for contraband. No smoke breaks, we were informed. Bummer. Later I found out that there will be no smoking at boot camp, either. It will be like jail with a gun and a fitness program.
Went through a hearing test. The women in the medical department were bitches. The guy who briefed six of us was an asshole. Had blood taken so they could check for AIDS. If they let me go to boot camp that means I tested negative. Had to piss in a cup but I had to shit so this was not easy. This is no lie: I had to drink nearly sixty cups of water before I was able to piss, after two stage-frightened tries. “Settle For Satin” by Alkaline Trio was in my head all the day long. Had to do some pretty basic physical tests in my boxers. Walk on your heels, and so forth. Was determined that I had to take “the ARMS test” because my weight/body fat ratio disqualified me.
This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Made me re-think the Army overall. There was a platform about two feet off the ground. I had to step on and off for five straight minutes in tune to a stereo cadence and afterward have a heartbeat lower than 180. The guy was only allowed to tell me to speed up twice, and he did so once, but he was also encouraging. After three minutes my legs began to vehemently protest. I didn’t think I was going to make it, but I did. I just kept thinking about what it would be like to go home a failure that day. Then I had three minutes to get my heart-rate down and go get a drink of water. My legs were funny about walking to the water fountain, not quite bowed but certainly crookedly carrying me there.
After that I had to do fifteen push-ups in a minute. Were I not so exhausted from the stepping these would have been much easier. They weren’t real push-ups, for sure—I’ve never fucking done push-ups before! I had to make a couple trips back and forth between the Army liaison and the front desk. Then I was allowed to have lunch, which was free, from Subway.